


Keeper of the Secrets

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s03e13 Night Five, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-12
Updated: 2005-04-12
Packaged: 2019-05-15 21:12:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14798051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Post Ep for 'Night Five' from Josh's POV.





	Keeper of the Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Keeper of the Secrets**

**by: Francesca**

**Character(s):** CJ, Sam, Josh, Donna, Amy  
**Pairing(s):** CJ/Sam; Josh/Donna; Josh/Amy  
**Category(s):** Post-Ep  
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters (I'm just borrowing them).  
**Summary:** Post Ep for ‘Night Five’ from Josh’s POV.  
**Spoiler:** _Night Five_ and _The Two Bartlets_.  


“Akin Wamba, who's the Maimai rebel commander, sent word through a crew that was filming in Goma.” 

C.J. looks at me for a moment and drops her head “Oh God” she whispers. There are times I wish I didn’t have such a bad poker face, and maybe that C J, like Donna, Sam, Toby, the President and Leo didn’t know me well enough to read what I’m trying not to show. 

“Yeah. He was killed in an ambush. Embassy Kinshasa's going to get the body.” 

C J and Wallace turn to go back to her office, their steps are slow and I can see C J straighten her shoulders, Donna’s leaning on a door frame shock and horror written all over her face. I head back to my office but turn back. I know Donna mutters about her alabaster skin but I swear it’s just gone two shades paler, and part of me is surprised that with all that’s going on with Amy I still notice the change. 

C J’s bending over Billy’s wife now, I cant see her speak but I see his wife, Janet crumple and begin to fall, C J and Wallace catch her, hold her and C J’s embracing her, I cant see what she says but Janet’s shoulders are heaving as she cries. 

Donna turns and looks at me, we say nothing because there’s nothing to say. Part of me thinks that that could have been her, after Rosslyn, if I hadn’t pulled through but that’s just another thought to throw in the ‘don’t go there file’. I shut my office door and throw myself into my chair and stare at the wall for a while. 

C J’s going to need someone tonight, she’s had to tell a man’s wife her husband’s never gonna come home, that her children are never gonna see their father again. She’s lost one of ‘her’ press corps and the way C J feels about them, she rules that press room, plays them like an orchestra, like a teacher with a room of unruly children and she’s lost one, one she couldn’t save despite where she stands every day. I reach for the ‘phone it’s time I did something that’s waited too long. 

“Sam” 

“Yeh” 

“It’s me” I pause. “Are you doing anything tonight?” 

“No?” he sound curious now, a little puzzled. 

“Clear your schedule C.J’s gonna need you” 

“What’s happened?” he sounds worried now. 

“She’s in her office with Leonard Wallace and Billy’s wife – she’s just had to tell her Billy’s dead”. 

There’s a stunned silence from the other end of the phone line. “I’m tied up tonight; Toby’s got the ‘thing’ with Andi”. Toby and C J go back a way there’s a history there; he brought her to the campaign the same way I brought Sam and probably for similar reasons. I don’t know if it was ever romantic between them, sometimes you get glimpses but I’ve never asked; see there are places I won’t go. Toby’s been divorced best part of three years and still wears a wedding ring, he’s still in love with Andi – which is kinda an open secret around here, when your friend is still in love with his ex wife it’s not a good time to ask if he has ever had the hots for another, mutual, friend. 

“I’ll be there” Sam says quietly and hangs up. I smile quietly to myself; he’ll be there for C J. 

I am keeper of many secrets; you wouldn’t believe it would you? Possibly because no one knows I know, that always helps. 

Sam’s not like me, he has a really good poker face, but sometimes it slips, and there’s something else you need to know about Sam, he cant lie with his eyes. I know people, have worked with people who you look at their eyes and see nothing, the curtains are closed, and you have no idea what’s going on behind them, Sam’s eyes are the window to his soul, he’s happy, he’s sad it’s right there in his eyes. 

I pick up a pen and start to spin it in my fingers, and I remember Sam’s eyes, Sam’s face the first time he ever saw C J do ‘The Jackal’. I allow myself a smile for a moment, oh man he looked like he’d been hit by a Mac truck. Lisa had broken his heart, and one day I will make her suffer for that, I’d seen him look at C J with curiosity…but this is Sam he has no idea what effect he has on the female population, and doesn’t believe you if you try to tell him. But curiosity was all it was, he saw her as someone he worked with, as a potential friend, and then that night she did the Jackal for us he saw her as a woman…and I tell you he’s never stopped seeing her since. 

I admit she was on fire that night, if I hadn’t already met Donna maybe I’d have fallen the same way Sam did. Now there’s another thought for the ‘don’t go there file’, if I’m honest it’s less a file, less a filing cabinet, more a whole room in my head now…but that’s beside the point. 

So if Sam has this thing for C J why’d he date Mallory? Because he sees C J as unattainable, thinks she wouldn’t love him, he’s afraid of wrecking the friendship (I know that feeling), scared she’d laugh in his face (I know THAT feeling too), and apart from that we have this ‘non fraternisation’ policy in place but if Sam really though he and C J had a chance, no matter how small, that would be the last thing he’d pay attention to. 

We had a conversation the other day, and I can’t get it out of my head. Amy had called me ‘hit and run’ and I was defending myself, badly. 

“The next thing that happens, you find a reason to be mad at her.” He said 

“You’re wrong.” I told him 

“Guys like you?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m one of them.” I look at Sam over the desk and he gets up to go, and I know I cant tell him I know he’s not one of them, cant tell him I know he’s been in love for four years with a woman he’s never said a word to about it. I know what happened at Rosslyn, apart from the fact I got shot, the bullets started flying and Sam throws C J to the floor and shelters her. His first thought isn’t what most people’s was that night, it’s not to protect himself, it’s to protect her. I’ve seen him look at her when he thinks no one’s looking, I’ve seen his face when she does ‘the Jackal’, I’ve seen him watch her across crowded ballrooms and there are times when his face isn’t guarded, isn’t closed and he looks like what he is, a man in love. 

I know that look, I’ve seen it in mirrors in ballrooms and bars, I’ve seen it on my face when I’m watching Donna. I can see Sam’s secret because it mirrors my own, the same way one alcoholic may recognise another. 

And C J? Let’s just say there’s a possibility she cares too, I can’t read her the way I can Sam, she’s a woman, and it’s harder. There’s something in her eyes sometimes when she looks at him, I’ve seen it since Rosslyn. I’ve seen a lot of things since Rosslyn. And Sam’s not got that good a poker face. 

Let me tell you a secret about Sam, it’s not in what he says it’s more in what he doesn’t. You know the guy in school who’d tease the girls he fancied something rotten? That wasn’t Sam, me maybe but not Sam. So when he tells Ainsley Hayes she could make a good dog break its leash, he’s paying a compliment yes, but when C.J walks in, in a ball gown or a cocktail dress and he just stands there speechless for a moment that’s when you know he’s serious. Words come easy to Sam so long as he doesn’t care about them…if you’ve ever seen him write a speech you’ll know what I mean here. Like with Ainsley, he complimented her and forgot about it, until some intern told him he’d been demeaning, you can tell she didn’t know Sam when she said that cant you? That’s when he began to stress over it…and not before. 

The funny thing is C.J’s similar, she’ll call me ‘Mi Amore’, she treats Toby like a big brother but she cant figure out how she feels about Sam. I think the more pet names she has for him, the more she tries to find ways to tease him, make him laugh and figure out how she feels and what she’s going to do about it the further they get under each other’s skin. And I should know Donna and I wrote the book on that one too. 

So tonight, Toby will see Andi, Sam will take C.J out to a bar, and they’ll drink and they’ll talk and spend a little time without me, Toby or Donna hanging around. C.J will vent and rail against rebels and powerlessness. Sam will listen and then they’ll talk some more. If she cries he’ll hold her….and maybe they’ll take a step closer to each other. 

And what will I be doing? I’m going to go and meet Amy Gardiner because there’s a thing, and the whole time we dance around each other I’ll be trying not to remember a tall willowy blond with alabaster skin and quiet courage. Amy will talk and show off and boast about her political games and I’ll nod and try not to think about a woman who doesn’t shout, doesn’t strut, who goes out and picks up a phone or goes to her computer and then just hands me the results and moves on. Then I’ll take Amy home and I’ll dance and I’ll crow and I’ll show my political plumage and she’ll see only the dazzle and the light, the smoke and the mirrors, she won’t see that my heart’s not in it. 

Sam thinks C.J is out of his reach and that’s all that’s stopping him. 

I think of Janet Price collapsing in C.J’s office, I think of Donna leaning on the doorpost and how much I wanted to hold her. The only thing stopping me from calling her in right now and taking her in my arms is this; I love her too much to put her through that. I can’t protect her from the world but I can protect her from the consequences of loving me, from what happens if there’s a next time and the bad guys don’t miss, that’s all that’s stopping me. 

I may have a lousy poker face, but I can keep secrets. 


End file.
